“If you’d rather listen than read, there’s an audio discussion of this post created by NotebookML. Just click play below. It sounds waaay more dramatic than I meant it.”
Ayhan AlmanReflections on UKAGP conference
I’m Opting Out – Deep Dive via #NotebookLM
I’m Opting Out
UKAGP conference on Neurodiversity
Closing circle.
Saturday.
5 pm.
It didn’t end in silence.
No long pauses.
People spoke, but it was different.
The usual sharp edge of unresolved tension wasn’t there.
This time, it was soft.
Tender.
Relational, one might say.
Just presence.
Gentle, perhaps even unguarded for some.
Unusual.
And how did we get here?
Rewind.
A couple of months prior. An invitation to present at the UKAGP conference on neurodiversity. Cam and I agreed to offer a workshop on the double empathy problem (Milton, 2012).
Experiential.
Maybe a bit nerdy.
Mindful of autonomy, for those who struggle to engage or prefer to sit at the edges.
Opting out: an explicit option.
Meetings. Theories. Ideas. Blurbs. More meetings. Also: emails. Lots of them.
Then the day arrives. We meet in the morning. The conference is sold out.
Friends. Colleagues. Former trainers and supervisors. People who once taught me.
Anxiety.
The first workshop: Matt and Dawn.
Dyslexia brought to life.
Not explained, felt.
People really got it.
I felt seen. Grateful.
Also grief. Lots of it.
But that’s another story for another time.
Breaks.
I dipped in and out.
Missed things I wanted to attend.
Opted out. As much as I needed.
That’s how I stay.
Lunch.
Then the panic hit.
Final preparations.
Breathing.
And we began.
Introductions.
What are we doing?
What is double empathy, and why does it matter?
We showed examples.
Big questions followed.
Responses.
Vulnerability.
Tears.
Receptiveness.
Openness.
Genuine curiosity.
Maybe even frustration.
But mostly, tenderness.
Soft.
Experiential exercises.
More questions.
And then we were done.
More breaks.
Until the closing circle.
The starting point. From the top.
What Stayed With Me
1. Opting Out, Not an Option
When adjustments are offered, everyone benefits. Not just disabled folks. The pressure to stay and participate when everything feels, or shouts, leave, helps no one.
2. Policy Is Distressing
Ambiguous policy, driven by opinions or personal needs instead of research, causes dilemmas that those in the middle are left trying to compensate for. And no, you don’t have to compromise on safeguarding!
3. Burnout Isn’t Always Loud
Sometimes it’s quiet. It shows up in withdrawal, in hyper-functioning, in silence. And often, it’s misread as professionalism.
4. You Can Leave and Still Belong
Stepping out of a space, or taking a break, doesn’t mean disconnection. It can be what makes continued presence possible.
5. Autonomy Is Protection
Allowing people to choose how and when to engage is not just generous. It’s protective. Especially in professional spaces that often reward conformity (Kansted: 2025).
If You Were Listening
Especially if you are neurodivergent, thank you for stopping by. I hope you left feeling a little less alone.
Here are some resources you might find useful:
- Join the Neurodivergent Practitioners Directory. It’s free of charge.
- Visit Thriving Autistic’s monthly meetups. Tickets are released two weeks prior to the event.
- Read books that are written by Neurodivergent folks.
- Learn about monotropism (Murray, 2020), gestalt language processing (Boren:2024) and the connection between both (Edgar, 2025).
- Find out more about workplace adjustments.
- If you are seeking a formal diagnosis, the Adult Autism Practice offers assessments and support, including ADHD.
Remember, diagnosis is an option, not a requirement. Self-awareness and the right adjustments are what make a difference.
If you have questions, thoughts, or resources to share, please get in touch.
Now, What Does This All Mean?
Change is needed. That much is clear. But the starting point isn’t always obvious.
First, Autistic-led theories need to become the standard, not the exception. They already exist. They’re accessible. Many resources are available on the Thriving Autistic website. The problem isn’t lack of knowledge. It’s who gets to set the tone.
More Autistic people are leading change, offering training, sharing insight. But that’s not enough if they’re still expected to explain themselves, to carry the emotional labour of justifying their presence. That has to stop. Then you can find them here.
Organisations need to stop hiring people into systems they have no power to reshape.
Tenderness, structure, and safety aren’t opposites. But they need to be held together on purpose. That’s the work.
And it’s already happening. Just not everywhere. Not yet.
With thanks and appreciation to the UKAGP organising committee for making space for these conversations.
References and Recommended Reading
-
Boren, R. (2024). Gestalt Learning. Stimpunks. https://stimpunks.org/glossary/gestalt-learning/
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Edgar, H. (2025). Gestalt Language Processing, Monotropism & Young People. Autistic Realms. https://autisticrealms.com/gestalt-language-processing-monotropism-young-people/
- Kansted, T. (2025). Neuro-conformity. NeuroStory Collective. https://www.neurostorycollective.com/blog/neuro-conformity
- Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: the ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008
- Murray, D. (2020). Monotropism: An Interest-Based Account of Autism. In Encyclopedia of Autism Spectrum Disorders (pp. 1–3). Springer, New York, NY. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-4614-6435-8_102269-2
